Putting Children First
SCR Center for Parental Alienation Awareness
Our mission is to raise awareness for Parental Alienation, a growing problem in our society that tears families apart and leaves children feeling scarred and helpless.
Divorce is already difficult. When a family splits apart, whether the cause is irreconcilable differences or more severe issues, children must learn to cope with massive changes to their homes and families. If mishandled, this can severely affect the children involved. Learning how to co-parent and providing children with safe and stable environments during this trying time is absolutely critical.
In the United States, husbands and wives divorce at a rate reaching nearly 40 to 50 percent, and if we’re talking about second and third marriages, that ratio only continues to climb. Happy homes equal happy children. When their homes aren’t happy and, in many cases, when they are thrust into toxic and damaging battles of will often involved in divorce proceedings, children are left in the dark and rarely escape without lasting damage to their mental health and well-being.
The safety and well-being of our children should always come first, and a broken home doesn’t have to be so broken.
Children must be protected.
Parental Alienation
What is it?
According to Healthline Parenthood, “Parental alienation is a situation in which one parent uses strategies — sometimes referred to as brainwashing, alienating, or programming — to distance a child from the other parent.”
Usually associated with high-conflict divorce, one parent becomes the “alienator” or “programming parent,” and the other parent becomes the “alienated” or “targeted” parent. Children are stuck in the middle. While the terminology may be simple, the circumstances associated with this dynamic are incredibly complex.
This devastating situation can take many forms, but typically results in children feeling abandoned, and one parent helplessly sitting on the sidelines, hoping that the court system can intervene on their behalf and change these awful circumstances. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always work, and parents can go days, weeks, months, and even years without contact with their children.
Signs of Parental Alienation
Isolation
Children are unjustifiably kept from the alienated parent. Visitation issues often occur. Weeks and months pass without any form of contact, and there is little to nothing the alienated parent or child can do to fix it.
Guilt
The alienator makes the child feel guilty about expressing love or an interest in seeing their alienated parent. Often being forced to choose sides, as if loving one parent means you don’t love the other.
Oversharing
This can range from lude comments to speaking openly to the child about the reasons for the divorce or problems they had in the marriage, all of which are wildly inappropriate.
Manipulation
The alienator parent will act disappointed or sad when the child does anything to favor the alienated parent. They will rely on tricks or “special treats” to coerce the child into feeling a certain way about the alienated parent.
Spying
The alienator parent will ask questions about the alienated parent (whether it be a new relationship, what they did while they were together, the conditions of their home, etc.) in an attempt to gain leverage.
Brainwashing
This involves blatant and abusive language meant to disparage the alienated parent, forcing the child to choose a side. Incessant and persistent negative talk coupled with rewards when the child agrees with them.
Blame
The alienator openly blames the alienated parent for problems in the marriage, the divorce, and even current circumstances (living situation, lack of money, etc.). They blame the alienated parent.
Fear and Hate
The alienator will coerce the child into being afraid of the alienated parent. When a child is subjected to this, their hatred and rejection of the alienated parent are based on unwarranted and baseless reasons.
Recognize the signs.
Another look at an article written by Healthline Parenthood gives some really great insight into the signs of Parental Alienation and what you should look out for.
There are several ways an alienator parent might isolate their children and keep them away from the alienated parent, on top of the signs listed above. Discussing the intimate issues of the marriage and divulging information to the child that they shouldn’t be hearing. They may discuss a marital affair or serious marital problems, which can make the child feel hurt, casting further blame on the alienated parent. They may limit or deny access altogether, so the child can’t see or speak with the alienated parent. They might insist that all of their favorite items be kept at the alienator’s house, so that place feels more like home. They may plan fun activities during the alienated parent’s time to entice the child to make a choice that benefits them. Even if that is a violation of the custody arrangement, that might not matter to the alienator parent. The alienator may hide important information about the child, like school trips, academic performance, and who their child is associated with, to leverage over the child as further proof that the alienated parent doesn’t care about them.
These are just a few examples, but the list goes on and on because there are no limits to what an alienator might do to alienate their ex-partner. If you are experiencing a high-conflict divorce, you must be aware of the signs to protect your family from these circumstances. Listen to how your children speak about you. Be mindful of what’s going on in their lives. Take detailed notes and information about visitations and schedules. If you fear that you are being alienated from your child, seek help from family, friends, lawyers, doctors, or mediators.
You are not alone.
The Consequences
How does this affect the children?
According to Dr. Richard A. Warshak, children can be severely harmed by parental alienation. Children who experience severe alienation might “treat the rejected parent with extreme hostility, disobedience, defiance, and withdrawal.” These behavioral issues till further tax and distort the relationship between the alienated parent and the child, causing friction and even validating the criticisms listed by the alienator parent.
Sometimes children will purport to hate the alienated parent, but at the least, they might feel guilt or shame about expressing any kind of love or affection, fearing consequences or disappointment from the alienator parent. Beyond that, severe parental alienation can also warp a child’s perception of their relationship, making them question or deny that they ever loved the alienated parent in the first place. Children might even express hate for things associated with the alienated parent, which is a potential sign of severe parental alienation.
Children are hurt the most.
Parental alienation is a dangerous and severe form of child abuse that causes severe psychological and emotional damage that can torment children their entire lives. A balanced and healthy childhood requires security and stability, but when children are subjected to parental alienation, that security and stability are replaced by toxicity and chaos.
In an article from Psychology Today on April 25th, 2013, Edward Kruk, Ph.D. writes, “…the tactics of alienating parents are tantamount to extreme psychological maltreatment, including spurning, terrorizing, isolating, corrupting or exploiting, and denying emotional responsiveness.”
He goes further, “The severe effects of parental alienation on children are well-documented—low self-esteem and self-hatred, lack of trust, depression, and substance abuse and other forms of addiction are widespread…Self-hatred is particularly disturbing among affected children, as children internalize the hatred targeted toward the alienated parent, are led to believe that the alienated parent did not love or want them and experience severe guilt related to betraying the alienated parent.”
Children are hurt the most.
Parental alienation is a dangerous and severe form of child abuse that causes severe psychological and emotional damage that can torment children their entire lives. A balanced and healthy childhood requires security and stability, but when children are subjected to parental alienation, that security and stability are replaced by toxicity and chaos.
In an article from Psychology Today on April 25th, 2013, Edward Kruk, Ph.D. writes, “…the tactics of alienating parents are tantamount to extreme psychological maltreatment, including spurning, terrorizing, isolating, corrupting or exploiting, and denying emotional responsiveness.”
He goes further, “The severe effects of parental alienation on children are well-documented—low self-esteem and self-hatred, lack of trust, depression, and substance abuse and other forms of addiction are widespread…Self-hatred is particularly disturbing among affected children, as children internalize the hatred targeted toward the alienated parent, are led to believe that the alienated parent did not love or want them and experience severe guilt related to betraying the alienated parent.”
Understanding the dynamics.
Loving and stable parents are having their children stolen from them, causing irreparable damage. What’s even more frightening (and what further makes this such a complex issue) is that the alienator parent isn’t the cartoon movie villain we’d like to imagine.
In the foreword to the book A Kidnapped Mind by Pamela Richardson, Dr. Renna Sommer (a recognized expert in the fields of divorce and custody) writes,
“Alienators do not fit the stereotype of the deficient and ill-equipment parent. Instead, these parents are generally articulate, resourceful, and competent in all other aspects of their lives – except in the realm of parenting. In fact, these individuals might easily be mistaken for ideal parents, except to the properly informed, because they profess love and concern for their children. What sets these individuals apart from other dysfunctional parents is their overwhelming commitment to meeting their own needs first. In doing so, they destroy the relationship their children have with the other parent – at whatever cost.
Robert’s Story
A Familiar Nightmare
As much as I wish it was the case, my story isn’t unique. It’s actually the norm for thousands of parents across the world.
During my marriage, I found myself the victim of increasing levels of abuse and made the decision to file for divorce to hopefully put an end to the harm she was inflicting upon myself and the children. I’ve come to understand that my ex’s behaviors are typical of Malignant Narcissists, but unfortunately understanding the dangers doesn’t stop the damage that continues to be done. I love my children more than anything else and that’s why they are used as tools to continue the cycle of abuse even after the divorce was finalized.
I’m the father of four wonderful children: a daughter who I have primary custody over, two boys who until recently I’ve had 50/50 custody over, and my son Stetson who passed away before I could hold him in my arms.
6 Years of Needless Suffering
During the 6 years since I filed for divorce in Texas, I’ve experienced sexual abuse, gaslighting, continued possession violations, court order violations, slander, libel, stalking, trespassing, entrapment, false police reports, planted lude photos of my sons uploaded to an account of mine, false domestic battery charges that I was found not guilty on…the list goes on.
You’re probably asking why I would put myself through this but, the truth is, I keep praying for things to change because the only other option is to walk away leaving the children at the mercy of someone whose goal is to hurt me, regardless of the cost to those in my life or theirs.
I’ve been able to weather every attack thrown at me until recently. I’ve had judges, therapists, teachers, and counselors say I’m not a danger to my children and rave about how great of a parent I am, but this past year I was put in a position where I lost visitations of my boys due to the gravity of the lie regarding my son who passed away. When my son passed away his mom wanted to name him Stetson Cash Ringer to help herself with the healing. For all purposes our son was named Stetson, I even got a tattoo in his memory on my ribs after she requested it, but when I refused to cancel the divorce she told me I’d regret that decision. Every life is precious, even one that was the result of sexual abuse which is the unfortunate circumstances of my youngest son. The next day, she started telling my daughter and son that their brother came back from heaven and was the baby she was pregnant with. As you can imagine this was not only confusing but also against every belief I had.
Even though the Judge ordered her to change the name, my son’s mom has refused.
Current Status
On July 22nd 2020 Judge Jeff Dewey awarded Rob with Primary residential custody!!!
Rob and his family currently live in Texas where they are focusing on rebuilding bonds and beginning the long journey ahead of repairing the emotional abuse that they suffered over the past 8 years.
Snow Day
Donuts with Funny Eyes
Bikes and Scooters
Halloween!
Already Trying to Drive
Dinner and Crowns
Movie Night
Laughing and Funny Faces
Tools and Toys
Holding Onto Hope
Years have gone by, Judges have changed, and so has her story. Now, she claims we never had a son that passed away. Tells people I made a cenotaph for my living son, and openly tells people and my sons I want to hurt them. Recently, I had my visitations revoked for saying nightly prayers with my children honoring those who passed away.
The family legal system isn’t meant to handle Malignant Narcissists. The Judge only has a few minutes to distinguish the truth from a lie. A few minutes. That isn’t nearly enough time nor do they have the resources at their disposal to do thorough investigations to uncover the truth. How do you compete with someone who continually and maliciously lies without facing any repercussions for their actions?
I stand strong in my hopes that if we continue to get the message out, things will change. The legal system has to do more to hold parents responsible for their actions and stop the cycle of parental alienation. This site is dedicated to that message and to the memory of my son.
The Goal
It is our mission to raise awareness for Parental Alienation and the devastating effect it has on children and families. No child should be forced to hate, isolate, or alienate one of their parents due to high-conflict divorce.
Divorces are hard enough for children. Their entire lives are being uprooted and changed. They are already forced to cope with redefining their comfort and stability during the most formative years of their lives. Often, these situations are predated by marital issues that always bleed into the lives and minds of the children.
When children are then forced to pick and choose who they love and support, they’re torn in two and become pieces in a game that is completely beyond their comprehension. Their thoughts and motivations are poisoned by the alienator parent, making an impossible situation even more impossible, leaving an empty spot in their lives and hearts, scarring them for the rest of their lives. Our children deserve better.
Our ultimate goal is to end this issue entirely. We must put a stop to parental alienation and put our children first.
Putting an end to Parental Alienation.
Take Action
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